Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Thu Mar 17, 2005 at 01:19:00 pm EST
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The Sermon of Neka #2
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The Sermon of Neka #2
A Story Suggested for Mature Audiences
By Neil Kapit

One question that haunted Thomas Grollack’s existence was, what was Massive Molly like in person? Was she shy, or was she outgoing? Warm or icy? Accepting or bitchy? In short, who was the woman inside those sixty-four feet of mystical biomass? Thomas pondered this often, usually in the shower.

The answer wouldn’t come to Thomas immediately, but he had his fantasies about her being shy and retiring, warm and gentle, and incredibly turned on by guys like him, thin, bespectacled Polish-Jewish guys who wear all black. Excluding the latter part, which was wishful thinking at best, Molly was those things. In her private life, she was just Molly Kitsarugi, a nineteen-year-old single mother living with her foster parents and adoptive daughter in Pierce Heights.

One night, Molly was watching the new Bambi DVD with her daughter, Stacy Infinity. The film is one of my personal favorites, because in the middle of the film it teaches children a valuable lesson; death is common, unexpected, and permanent. Even your mother can be killed out of nowhere, and it sure ain’t from natural causes. Millions of children have been traumatized by watching this movie, and showing children the dark nature of humanity’s soul is nothing but good. Of course, little Stacy couldn’t understand this fact.

“ Mama, “ Stacy asked Molly, “ Why did Bambi’s mama die? “

” Oh, “ Molly sputtered, “ W-w-well, y-you see honey, s-s-sometimes bad things happen to people, even when they don’t deserve it... “

” Why? “ Stacy asked again.

“ B-b-because life is sometimes not fair to people..... “ Molly continued.

“ So where do they go? “ Stacy wondered.

“ T-t-they go to heaven, where everything is, um, nice, and everyone is always happy and safe... “

” So why don’t more people die? “

” B-b-because it doesn’t work that way, we’re supposed to live here on Earth, sweetie... “

” But you said Nibbles the hamster went to a better place, Mama... “

” I think it’s time for bed, don’t you? “

“ But I’m not tired.... “

” Yes, but Mama is very tired, so it’s best you go to bed. “

With that, Molly carried Stacy to her room ( formerly occupied by Jonathan Armstrong Stanng, founder of the Commission ), and placed her in her crib. Molly slowly backed off and left the room, entering the darkened kitchen of the Stanngs’ Pierce Heights penthouse. She reached into the fridge for a glass of milk, only to bump into Mrs. Stanng in the kitchen as well.

“ Judy! “ Molly exclaimed, “ I didn’t see you in the dark! I’m so sorry! “

” It’s all right dear, “ Judy Stanng smiled. “ How are you doing? “

” Fine, “ Molly smiled weakly. “ Okay. Not so good. “

” What’s wrong, honey? “ Judy asked. The two women sat down at the kitchen table, Molly with a glass of milk, Judy with some chardonnay.

“ I guess I’m just tired, “ the young Ykraan stated. “ Between the Commission and Stacy and the job hunt, I don’t have much time to myself. “

” But you knew that having a child would be a handful, right? When Stephen and I had little Johnny, he was a real troublemaker. Crying all night, throwing dishes telekinetically, reading our minds while we slept.... “

” Do you have any idea how weird that sounds? “

” This from the 60-foot-tall goddess, right? I try to keep things in perspective. “ Judy and Molly shared a laugh.

“ Heh! So how is Johnny, anyway? “

” Still in juvy for the time being. They said he’d be out by the time he’s eighteen, but they moved him into solitary confinement recently, after he broke his cellmate’s pelvis in twelve places. “

” Oh God. I’m so sorry... “

” It’s okay. Anyway, please continue. “

Molly sighed. “ Well, it’s not just that. I’ve been trying to contact my father recently. And... “

” And what? “

” And he moved to Oregon and changed his name to Smith. He said never to call him back. “

As an aside note, Molly’s relationship with her family has been turbulent at best; she was the first-born child to a patriarch who clearly wanted a male. They didn’t give her up for adoption, but she always got the impression that her father didn’t like her. When she entered puberty and grew into a giant size, destorying the Kitsarugi’s house in the process, she was outright disowned by her father, and Molly’s mother didn’t lift a finger to stop it. She was left completely alone to deal with her changes, with a crippling inferiority complex to boot.

” Well, he doesn’t sound like any excuse for a human being. “, Judy Stanng assured Molly.

” He isn’t, really. He always told me he wanted a boy instead. But he’s still family. And... “

” And what, honey? “

” I just wonder why all the men in my life seem so averse to me. My father, Johnny, Nitz....isn’t there some guy out there who’ll love me for who I am? “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If only Molly knew then that there were several men who loved her. The trouble is, it was the kind of love she could do with out.

Take ol’ Thomas Grollack....the next day, he was at his job at tech support for HyperGlobalMegaSquaredWeberVerse (TM). He was sitting in his cubicle, multi-tasking.....partially doing his job and handling calls, and partially working on his next Massive Molly fanfic story, which cast him stranded on a desert island with the Ykraan warrior goddess. He was doing pretty well with the writing process, until his middle-aged, balding, heavy-set manager looked over his shoulder.

“ Mr. Grollack, “ the manager of HGMSWV said, “ What ARE you doing? “

Thomas was flushed with embarrassment. “ Mr. Johnson, “ he blurted, “ Just taking a few calls from some people curious about their connections! Yep, just doing my job! “

” That’s not what it looks like, “ Johnson replied, looking at Thomas’ monitor. He read the words on the screen aloud. “ I met with Molly one unforgettable evening stranded on a desert isle....blah blah blah....she smiled at me when she saw me....blah blah blah....she asked me if I’d ever been with a woman her size before...blah blah blah...she proceeded to stuff me down her bikini top....oh, what the fuck? In my office! Now! “

” B-b-but Mr. Johnson, I can explain.... “ Thomas sputtered.

“ Go! “ Thomas followed Johnson into his room. Thomas sat down in front of a desk, while Johnson was standing up, pacing back and forth like a prowling leopard.

“ I’ve warned you before, Mr. Grollack. I’ve told you two times now, in fact, that you can’t use company time to write your erotic little stories and do your smutty hentai drawings. And I’m sick of it. So you have the rest of the day to clear out your things. “

” W-w-what are you doing, “ stammered Thomas.

Johnson slammed his fist on his table. “ I’m firing you, dumbass. I’m giving you the ol’ pink slip for goofing off on company time. Get out, find a new job, and for god’s sakes get help. “

” Excuse me sir, “ Thomas shouted, standing up. “ You can’t discriminate against me! “

” You’re wrong, Mr. Grollack. If you were black, I couldn’t fire you. If you were gay, I couldn’t fire you. If you were crippled, I couldn’t fire you at all! But since you’re none of those things, since you’re just a perv who can’t get wood for any woman under seven feet tall, I can and I will send you out on your ass! Now go! “

“ But sir.... “

” Go! “

Thomas walked out of the room, clenching his fists. The intensity in his eyes behind his glasses frightened everybody who passed him. They thought for sure, he was going to go postal on them and take out the whole company. Greasy-looking loner, recently laid off, rumors abounding about different fetishes ( some even more bizarre than the truth ). Who wouldn’t fear him?

Fortunately for them, all Thomas did was go home to his apartment in Parodopolis’ Shelton District, get on the computer, and commiserate in his chat room with his fellow Molly fans.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MollyLover2431: Hey people
PrimeC01: hey
littleman75: what’s up
MollyLover2431: I just got fired from my job
littleman75: Ouch
PrimeC01: sorry bro
MollyLover2431: that’s not just it. They fired me for seeing my website!
littleman75: Molly’s World?
MollyLover2431: yes
PrimeC01: Dude, that’s harsh
MollyLover2431: I know. They’re discriminating against us, just for our beliefs
littleman75: It’s like a fascist state or something
PrimeC01: yeah
MollyLover2431: if they just found regular porn they’d let me keep my job, but since they found something that’s actually less explicit, they canned me
littleman75: I know
PrimeC01: So what are you gonna do now?
MollyLover2431: I dunno. I just wish I could get close to Molly somehow, she’d understand me. Nobody else does
littleman75: yeah, but how’d you do that? Magic?
MollyLover2431: hmmm....that gives me an idea
PrimeC01: what do you mean?
MollyLover2431: I gotta go
MOLLYLOVER2431 HAS LOGGED OFF

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thomas Grollack wasn’t just a deviant....he was a multitalented deviant. In addition to giantess fetishism, he also practiced magic. He never did very well with it; the best he did was summon a two-headed familiar that quickly died on his floor. But he had nothing left to lose. He’d lost his job due to his fetish, and he wasn’t willing to give up his fixation, so he had only one place left to turn....the divine.

So there Thomas was, sitting in his bedroom, spreading ashes in a circle around his bed. In the center he put a bronze tin with a candle at the center. He held a stack of arcane tomes in his lap, and searched through them to find the correct spirit to summon who’d help him achieve his goals.

However, Thomas forgot one thing.....spirits and gods aren’t just genies in bottles that do anything you ask them to. They have minds of their own. And they didn’t like what Thomas Grollack was doing. They thought it was a complete waste of their time to help a foolish mortal with his little obsession.

“ No, “ elephant-headed god Ganesha told Thomas.

“ Definitely not, “ the faerie-folk reminded him.

“ Not on your life, “ the tengu of Shinto lore said in unison.

“ What part of NO don’t you understand? “ the Dreaming scowled.

Thomas Grollack spent the following few days and nights trying to summon different beings to help him. He summoned spirits, kami, jinns, ghosts, and even the Lovecraftian elder races, but none of them was willing to help him. He even tried calling out the accursed rhinoceros god Zeku, who said nothing, and just left a pile of rhino dung on his bed.

Finally, after cleaning ungulate shit off his bed, Thomas looked deep within his tomes, and found me. A few choice Latin phrases later, and a gaping chasm in three-dimensional space opened over Thomas’ bed, from which I emerged in all my unholy glory.

“ What do you want, “ I asked him tersely.

“ I’m trying to impress a girl, Neka “ Thomas replied. “ I need your help finding her. “

” You mean Massive Molly, right? “

Thomas looked startled, and almost jumped out of his chair. “ H-h-how did you know? “

” I know all. “

” Okay, well, I love this girl. I love her more than anything else on Earth. Nobody else understands me, either in the mortal world or the spirit world. Just a few people I don’t know who inhabit my chat room, is all.“

” And so you’ve come to me. Now take a look. “ I proceeded to open a rip in three-dimensional space and create a ring of dark blue flame in one of the walls. The ring opened up a portal leading to Molly’s current whereabouts. She was at the local grocery store, buying some banana bread. She was in her normal form.

“ Who’s that woman? How does this help me? “ Thomas asked impatiently.

“ That IS Molly, numb-nuts. Molly Kitsarugi. She uses that necklace to assume a human form. She’s nineteen years old and lives in Pierce Heights with her adoptive parents and foster daughter. Address is 1534 McDonnel Avenue, apartment 2538. Screenname is LilM86. That good enough for you? “

” Yes, but, how do you know all this? “

” Do I have to repeat myself? I. Know. All. Sucker. “

He gleefully wrote down all the stuff I was telling him on a paper notepad. He jittered as he wrote, but then stopped to ask me, “ So what should I do? “

” Whatever it takes. I’ll be waiting for the results. “ With that, I disappeared through the same portal I entered. Thomas was giggling like a schoolgirl, and quickly went back online. He would not miss this chance for anything.

NEXT: Thomas begins the courtship process. Will Molly fall for him? Stay tuned....


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